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Keeping all the balls in the air…..

21 Mar

Yeah, its a naff picture.  It’s naff but it totally sums up how I feel at the moment.

Work has started to pick up, which is obviously a good thing.  However, the extra workload, combined with recovering from various illnesses, means that I am currently feeling like I’m being torn in too many directions and end up feeling incredibly guilty for wanting just an hour or two to catch up with my things (like this blog)!

I’m trying to be a good Mummy, successful at my work, keeping the house in some kind of order as well as wanting to develop some of my other interests and it’s making me incredibly stressed!

I want to give all of these things 100% and it simply isn’t possible, so I’m having to prioritise.  Obviously, Aidan comes first, then my work but, I have to admit, it’s a close-run thing between the other two!  For my sanity I need some time to focus on my ‘hobbies’ but I get very affected if I feel that my house is not in the tidy, ordered state I like.

What should I do?


Extra work requires more lists…..and coffee!

13 Feb

Check out the other Silent Sunday posts over at Mocha Beanie Mummy.

Silent Sunday

Panic attack?

15 Nov

It won’t come as a surprise to you that I’m feeling a little swamped at the moment.  I’ve been banging on about it explaining my workload to anyone who will listen friends, family and Twitter chums endlessly quite a lot recently!

Last night as I went to bed things reached a rather unfortunate head.  I was already exhausted after a few horrendous nights with Aidan (it now seems he has a horrible cold which may explain things) so should have been asleep before my head hit the pillow. What happened instead was worrying.

As my head hit the pillow I was suddenly assaulted by an enormous feeling of panic about all the things I wanted to accomplish over the coming week.  As the list grew, one major deadline loomed large – 2 weeks until my exams.  My revision has not been going well and I feel like I’ll be heading into the exam room only being able to write my name, student number and perhaps perform the necessary journal entries.  For someone who never normally gets stressed out about exams this is odd.

I tried to tell myself to switch off, go to sleep and that things would seem better in the morning but it wasn’t working.  I began almost gasping for breath, my chest got tight and an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia hit me, so much so that I had to get out of bed and walk around for a few minutes until it passed.

Once it passed I decided to do a spot of lurking on Twitter (or ‘dogging’ as I have been known to refer to it in the past!) and then read a few chapters of a free iBook just to change my train of thought.  This worked and I was soon asleep but this morning I’m wondering, was this a panic attack?  Could I have managed it better and how can I prevent it happening again?

Tidy house, tidy mind…

30 Sep

As anyone who knows me will testify, I have an obsession with things being clean & tidy that is bordering on the obsessive.

If my house isn’t exactly how I want it I feel very depressed.  Things not being spotless or in the correct places makes me feel out of control and that my whole life is in a mess and as for my books, well, don’t get me started on that!  Let’s just say that if they’re not in alphabetical order you’d best fetch me an oxygen mask!

I realise that this is not a good thing.  Sure, we all want our homes to be clean, who wouldn’t? But, with a toddler in the house a certain amount of untidiness is probably completely normal. Not here!

I have tried to become a bit more relaxed about it all as I don’t want Aidan growing up with an unhealthy attitude to these things.  He already gets a bit upset if he drops some crayons or something similar shouting ‘Mess Mummy, mess!’ so I want him to be more chilled about that kind of stuff, he’s a child and shouldn’t be worrying too much about tidyness.

However, my relaxing went a bit far and I was becoming very down about things not being where they should.  So, on Tuesday morning, I dropped Aidan off at his Nanny & Grandad’s and started my mission.  Well, 2 hours later the house was more or less straight and I felt 100% better.  I didn’t only feel better about the house, I felt better about other things too.  It gave me a much more positive outlook and I feel more able to cope with whatever is thrown at me this week!  Now, I just need to shake off the dreaded cold I seem to coming down with…..

What about you?  Anyone else feel that if their house is cluttered so is their state of mind?

Image Credit

What am I Waiting For?

23 Sep

At the moment I feel just a little bit like I’m frantically treading water, trying to keep my head above the waves and getting more and more exhausted by the day.

I know the things I need to do in order to feel more in control, more organised. I know I need to get my house in order, my brain de-cluttered, all my ducks in a row and I also know that the best way for me to achieve this is to start with a list.

Easy, you say. Hmmm, not so much lately. I can’t even put pen to paper and start to write a list!

I’ve always been a procrastinator. My motto has always been ‘Why do something today when you can easily put it off until tomorrow!’ But it’s not even procrastination that’s delaying me now. I feel as though I’m waiting for something. Something that’s going to spur me on, give me focus and make me determined to accomplish my goals.

There are enough motivating factors there if I really look at it.

Biggest ever motivation to get off my bum and do something with my life. I want to be the best example I can to him and to inspire him to be the best that he can be.

Something’s got to give and I’m hoping it won’t be my heart. The thought of not being around to see Aidan get married and have children of his own scares me.

Well, we all need money, don’t we?

So, with these 3 huge motivators why am I still stood at the bus stop checking the timetable?

This post was written for Josie’s Writing Workshop #36 over at Sleep is For The Weak

I chose prompt 5. Waiting inspired by lots of lovely ladies waiting for the stork to pay them a visit!

Where’s my mojo gone?

17 Mar

Firstly, sorry for the enormous gap since my first post, I promise to try harder from now on!

I’m struggling at the moment to fight the feeling that, despite many positive things on the horizon, everything is crumbling around me and will topple and crush me very soon. I know that seems incredibly melodramatic but it really is the best way I can describe how I feel when I contemplate the astronomical amount of things I currently have on my ‘To Do’ list. Not that I actually have a list right now because the thought of even writing everything down also seems incredibly daunting and makes me slightly want to cry.
You see, I fear I have lost my list writing mojo. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but let me assure you, this is a huge deal for me. Lists are my ‘thing’. I’ve been frequently mocked in the past for the length of my lists (have to contain a certain number of items due to my OCD) or indeed for the sheer number of them. I once even wrote a list of the lists I needed to make!
I am aware I sound like a complete nutter here by the way.
So, I have what feels like hundreds of ‘jobs’ swimming around somewhere in my head just waiting for me to remember to do them.
Ok, you may say, start without a list. This is impossible for me. It’s just not how I work. I need that feeling of complete and utter organisation and focus that a list brings to the task at hand. I crave the feeling of satisfaction you get as you gradually tick items off.
So, I’m stuck. I can’t get my head around writing my lists and I can’t start without them.
What’s a girl to do? Surf the net I suppose!